Why I Hate Starbucks and Will Never Drink a Pumpkin Spice Latte

If you’ve been following my blog, you know I hate Starbucks. Well, today I’m going to explain why. First, let me just say that I’m not one of those people who hates things just because they’re popular. For example, I love Star Wars. I’m a huge fan of The Beatles. I am unapologetically a dog person.

But Starbucks, like the worst popular stuff, appeals to the lowest common denominator. Simply put, their coffee sucks. That’s the number one reason I hate them. You can’t make good coffee drinks if your base is bad. If you haven’t noticed the mediocrity of their beans, it’s probably because the drinks you’re getting are so heavily flavored with syrups and other bells and whistles. Try this experiment: Get a cup of Starbucks’ regular old drip coffee. You’ll see that it’s bitter and burnt-tasting.

Here’s another reason I hate Starbucks: False advertising. I wrote a blog post about this recently when I got suckered into trying their masterfully marketed Toasted Coconut Cold Brew. Starbucks is constantly rolling out new concoctions that sound appealing but are nothing but the same bad coffee with a shot of sickly-sweet syrup. Which brings me to my next point.

Starbucks is all about sugar.

This is especially obvious now that it’s autumn and Starbucks has brought back its famous Pumpkin Spice Latte. The fanfare around the Pumpkin Spice Latte, or “PSL” as it’s known among rabid fans, is absurd. (It’s like the McRib. People go nuts over that nasty thing, simply because it’s not available all the time.) Comedian John Oliver aired a hilarious segment about the PSL craziness on his HBO show “Last Week Tonight.” (Warning: This clip contains profanity. Very funny profanity.)

So what’s a Pumpkin Spice Latte? According to Wikipedia, it’s “a coffee drink made with a mix of traditional fall spice flavors (cinnamon, nutmeg, and clove), steamed milk, and espresso, topped with whipped cream and pumpkin pie spice. Since 2015, it has also contained a small amount of pumpkin puree.”

Now available in instant, which contains no pumpkin at all.

That’s right, only in the last two years has the PSL contained any real pumpkin. Before that, all the “pumpkin” flavor came from artificial flavorings. But people drink all sorts of unnatural stuff if it’s yummy enough, and last fall I decided to see what all the fuss was about, since Starbucks now offers almond milk and coconut milk as dairy-free alternatives.

I asked the barista if he could make a PSL with coconut milk. “Sure,” he said. But here’s the problem: I asked for no sugar. And he couldn’t do it — because the syrup that makes the drink taste like pumpkin is already sweetened. This is the same thing that happened with the Toasted Coconut Cold Brew, and it’s the case for every flavored coffee drink at Starbucks.

The latest Starbucks fall offering.

Americans are hooked on sugar. And Starbucks, though not solely responsible for this problem, is definitely not helping. Starbucks drinks are nothing but milkshakes with caffeine in them. In fact, Starbucks is alarmingly popular with kids and teenagers. Have you heard of the Cotton Candy Frappuccino? No? That’s because it’s on the secret menu that only kids seem to know about. Even if they get their drinks non-caffeinated, there’s so much sugar in these Fraps that the kids will be bouncing off the wall in minutes.

Do yourself and your loved ones a favor. Don’t fall for this Pumpkin Spice Latte bullshit. You don’t need a diabetic coma to embrace the festive fall season. Just… carve a pumpkin or something.

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